An open letter to the 2012 GOP candidates

Dear Sirs,

Now that the only one of you with any decency has departed the race, I feel compelled to make the following assertions to you:

• I will support keeping government out of our boardrooms the day you support keeping it out of our bedrooms.
• I will believe in corporate personhood the day you make corporations subject to all the restrictions and penalties imposed by law as well as the benefits conferred by it – up to and including the death penalty. Speaking of which…
•  I will believe that you are pro-life the day you vote to repeal not only Roe v. Wade, but also the death penalty and the Second Amendment. I will believe you are pro-life when you stop trying to gut the EPA and start trying to gut Halliburton Corp. I will believe you are pro-life when you stop saying “Kill America’s enemies” like a brainwashed jihadi.
• I will believe you are pro-family the day you do something which benefits all America’s families rather than merely the ones you personally find acceptable.
• I will believe that you are protecting the institution of marriage when a committed couple of 30 years can finally get married for love but Kim Kardashian can’t do it to get a headline.
• I will believe that you support the free market when you stop rigging it in favor of your campaign donors.
• I will believe that you want to rein in government spending when the Department Of Defense has to publicly disclose all of its accounting.
• I will believe that you are in favor of individuals’ freedom when you begin to not only respect but insist upon the separation of church and state.
• I will believe that your party is worthy of governing when it is no longer (by its own admission!) prioritizing defeating the opposition over bettering the lives of Americans.
• Last but by no means least, I will consider voting for you when you stop telling me what’s bad about the other guy and start telling me what’s good about you – assuming there’s anything to tell.

President Obama is far from perfect, but as things currently stand, he is still head and shoulders above all of you.

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Another Explosion At Ground Zero

Seems lots of people are up in arms over the proposed building of the Park 51 Community Center, aka the “mosque at Ground Zero”. Of course, this is far from surprising, considering the Islamophobia which has held much of the nation for the last decade.

The people wishing to build the mosque were no doubt aware of the furore which would ensue over this, and it cannot be denied that they were willing to provoke anger. Having said that, if after our near-demolition of Baghdad, a group of American missionaries attempted to build a Christian church there, we would see them as heroes.

Perhaps we should ask ourselves how we justify holding this moral double standard. The 19 hijackers actually involved in the 9/11 incident are hardly going to be worshipping at this mosque.

What would we say of the hypothetical missionaries above? “Despite almost crushing adversity, this brave band of people labored to build a place where Christians could worship in safety and tranquility, a place from which they could bring the local populace to understand that their purpose is not to maim and destroy but to foster peace and understanding.”

How many of our national news outlets are using language such as this to describe the builders of the Ground Zero mosque?

Let us consider for a moment the other establishments in the vicinity: an off-track betting parlor, a Starbucks, a strip club, a McDonald’s, and of course a shitload of street hawkers selling cheap plastic 9/11-themed tchotchkes. If this is to be considered ‘hallowed ground’, as Sarah Palin put it recently, let these also be removed from the vicinity.

Anything else is just pure Islamophobia.

This all comes back to our psychological tendency to see labels. We cannot look at a DeShawn or a Danisha without seeing ‘black’, at a Chihiro or a Chung-Tah without seeing ‘Asian’, at a Faroukh or a Fatima without seeing ‘Arab’.

If you assume a priori that a Mohammed is more likely to tarnish American society than a Masao, Malachi or even Mike, you’re in the label trap.

Regardless of what the President may have to say in favor of it, regardless of what the hysterical wing of the GOP may say against it, regardless of what Jews and Muslims at large may think of it… get out of the label trap and see for yourself.

Allow a small group of people to show you that Islam is not all about evil, and show them in return that you’re not all about prejudice.

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World Cup 2010

The opening of the quadrennial World Cup soccer tournament is two weeks away.

Many of my American readers probably don’t care all that much, and as such I would like to talk to you about why you should.

Imagine, if you will, a glorious sporting spectacle in which a man can run five miles regardless of weather or fatigue, in which skill can trump any amount of speed or strength, in which a free-kick can be taken with such accuracy as to put any football place-kicker to shame. A game in which players’ endurance is tested to the limit by the lack of timeouts and flags, other than a single half-time break – players whose sheer athleticism is superior to any baseball or football star you care to name.

And better yet, imagine a sport in which America is not actually universally acknowledged as the best team in the world – a sport in which American fans can experience the thrill of victory and the agony of defeat, and especially the tension of not knowing which will happen.

Imagine a sport in which watching some of the ladies who turn out to support Brazil is infinitely more pleasant than watching the Dallas Cowboys cheerleaders. Imagine a sport which ignites the passion of more people around the world than the New York Yankees or Pittsburgh Steelers ever will. A sporting event which billions of people would turn off the Super Bowl or the Olympics to watch.

There you have soccer, and its flagship event – the World Cup.

Does the U.S. team stand a chance of winning the World Cup this year? A very, very small one, most likely. But I would be willing to bet they make it to the last sixteen, maybe the last eight. If fortune smiles upon them, maybe further. This is a team which has recently beaten the European champions and World Cup favorites – in an exhibition game, admittedly, but nevertheless no small accomplishment.

Similarly, America’s very own DC United just beat AC Milan, an Italian team of phenomenal skill with over a century of stellar achievements to their name.

With enough encouragement and interest, there is no reason the American team couldn’t go from strength to strength and potentially win the World Cup within a decade or two. The one key ingredient they will need, however, is the unwavering support of the fans back home.

Soon I will be posting a few predictions and analyses of the first-round groups. For now, though… let’s get fired up for it.

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It’s beginning to look a lot like pre-school…

I know that the use of language in today’s mass media is geared toward a fifth-grade (or thereabouts) comprehension level. Surely, though, the folks we elect to serve in the highest offices should be at least a little smarter than a fifth grader. Perhaps we should have Jeff Foxworthy come and test the entire lot of our nation’s politicians for actual fitness to serve.

Our nation’s savior?

Allow me to illuminate a few things for all of you in national politics.

1. Bush was not a Nazi. Obama is not a socialist. Labels of ‘fascist’ (which few of you appear able to spell) and ‘communist’ are similarly inapplicable to either of them – though it is inordinately amusing to hear words like these applied to two men of quite different ideology. Less amusingly, I believe anyone who has suffered under the rule of such regimes as those of Hitler and Stalin would be rather offended to hear the comparatively trivial measures taken by these Presidents compared to the savagery they were forced to submit to.

Enough name-calling. If you have an issue with a President’s policies, come up with a reasonable alternative and we can all have a civilized debate. If you can’t do that, then keep your mouth shut.

2. Stop talking about whether there is too much God or too little God in the running of the country. Both of these are meaningless. The country was founded in part to ESCAPE the notion of any kind of state endorsement of religion. I have no problem with people worshipping according to their beliefs and legislating according to their values, but don’t use confuse the two and use religion to justify your political acts. In a nation whose founders specifically tried to avoid mixing religion into the law, such actions are hypocritical and offensive.

3. Related to the above: if you’re a bigot, just man up and be a bigot. If you have a problem with blacks, or Muslims, or the poor, or women, or gays, or conservatives, or any other group, just say so. Don’t get into the “un-American” line of bullshit. They’re just as American as you are. They love freedom just as much as you do. (Not that you even know what ‘freedom’ means, if you’re trying to deny it to anybody else.) Last but by no means least: any right which you would claim for yourself, you should also accord to them, whether it’s specifically spelled out in the Constitution or not.

4. Keep your promises. Don’t tell the public one thing and then do another, unless you also give us a damn good reason for the change. Don’t tell one group something and another group the opposite. We live in the Internet age, and we WILL find out. When it happens, enjoy your retirement money. We won’t vote for you to keep darkening our doorsteps.

5. When you watched movies as a youngster, remember how you cheered when the schoolyard bully got his comeuppance. Look at America’s standing in the international community around, say, 2006-7. If elementary school parable is indeed the limit of your understanding, maybe it can at least be allowed to guide foreign policy in years to come.

6. The national media have provided you with a means of understanding whether you are acting logically – whether you identify with the right or left. His name is Jon Stewart. If your name is mentioned on his show more than twice in any given month, you might wish to take a look at your priorities. Jon Stewart, you see, IS smarter than a fifth grader.

7. Perhaps above all, remember this quote from former President Harry Truman – another individual who was smarter than a fifth grader:

“Don’t piss in the soup, boys – we’ve all got to eat.”

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Happy Fourth!

Happy Fourth of July to all my fellow Americans!

It still feels very weird to type ‘my fellow Americans’. Sort of like a new pair of shoes, which are very comfortable and look great, but due to their newness still seem a little awkward and tend to squeak if you turn around too fast.

Independence Day is upon us, and is perhaps the holiday about which one would expect me to be most divided; indeed, residual loyalty to Britain does at first glance assert itself.

(Never mind that King George, from whom America famously declared its independence, was about as British as Saddam Hussein – the guy was a German who was only King because his grandfather had once had the strongest of a batch of weak claims to the throne.)

However, for 233 years, America has shone a bright light into the future, leading the way where other nations have trembled and cowered. We – and I can now proudly count myself within this ‘we’ – have had our missteps. Times have not always been easy. We have weathered the storms of economic turmoil, of wars both internecine and international, of nuclear threat and terrorist attack, and we have come through it all carrying the same torch of Liberty and blazing a trail ever forward.

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Nice going, USA!

In the furore over Sanford, I had forgotten to mention something rather amazing.

Yesterday the US men’s soccer team defeated the world’s #1-ranked team – Spain – to reach the final of the Confederations Cup.

Spain were undefeated in the last 35 games (a joint world record), and are the reigning European champions.

Congrats to coach Bob Bradley and his team, who will face #5-ranked Brazil in the final this weekend.

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Weekend Round-up

Just a few bits regarding some of my favorite posting topics:

Dollhouse: The season finale of Joss Whedon’s Dollhouse last night was amazing, astounding, astonishing, and quite possibly a lot of other words beginning with A.

For those of you who are interested in the show, but haven’t yet caught last week’s episode or last night’s, I’m not going to give away the identity of the guest star, but his performances in those two episodes have had “Give this man an Emmy!” written all over them. Just incredible.

Citizenship: Thank you to everyone who tweeted and Facebooked and LiveJournaled and texted and in other ways passed along their congratulations; each helped to make an already special day a little more so.

I came home last night to find this:

… which was amazingly sweet.

Gay marriage: So I got a little pocket-sized copy of the Constitution at the ceremony yesterday, and was reading through it when I noticed something.

“Article IV, Section 1: Full faith and credit shall be given in each State to the public Acts, Records and judicial Proceedings of every other State;”

Doesn’t that mean that these supposed decisions taken by states to recognize same-sex marriages performed in other states are really just the states in question deciding to do what they were already constitutionally bound to do?

And by extension, if every state is required to recognize gay marriages performed in other states, doesn’t that make banning them a little pointless?

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I’m officially American!

At 10:37 this morning, I was officially sworn in as a citizen of the United States.

While this doesn’t change very much in terms of my day-to-day life, it still represents a new chapter, the completion of a process which began with my moving over here eight years ago.

The last time I was in this room, it was for a concert by Jonathan Coulton and Paul and Storm. Today, the room was temporarily made a federal courthouse for the naturalization of 62 new Americans.

It was a welcoming and humbling experience, in a room filled with new hopes and dreams and a sea of smiles demonstrating a quest fulfilled.

I got to work today to find this, because my team here are awesome:

In another post, years ago, I exhorted Americans to make me proud to fly their flag myself someday. While there have been tribulations a-plenty, you came through.

Thank you.

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LIVEBLOG of Giant Robot Day!

I’m following some unusual advice today, from the good folks at On Your Feet:

“Go through your entire day visualizing that you have a personal giant robot that protects you, defends you and gives you outrageous compliments.”

It sounded like fun. And I’m going to liveblog it so you can see all the action as it happens.

7:00am Alarm clock went off. Reached out to silence it and came terrifyingly close to pressing wrong button. Was saved by giant robot who quickly grabbed alarm clock and threw it out of window at such velocity that it left Earth’s atmosphere and took out Chinese spy satellite. May get DOD commendation. How’s that for Chinese takeout?                      Robot says I am really good at sleeping and snore in a delightful basso profundo.

Illustration copyright ©2006 Gary Hirsch

7:36am Getting curious about robot’s programming. Intentionally turned water in shower as hot as possible to watch robot decide between letting water scald me or risking electrocuting me by getting in way. Robot instead saved me with strategic deployment of shower curtain.

Robot says I have the deviousness to be one of the best evil masterminds in a generation and by the way my dick is enormous.

Am beginning to be quite fond of robot.

8:34am Commuting. Robot is allowing me to focus on my driving by taking over the duty of flipping off the other drivers.

Robot is also equipped with a satellite Internet connection which allows it to take dictation from me and update this liveblog accordingly.

9:16am Am now at work. Colleagues are cowering in fear of giant robot. Also having to dodge pieces of dislodged ceiling.

Have instructed robot to soothe colleagues’ nerves by giving them a few compliments as well. Team have been duly informed that they are awesome.

Robot whispering to me that I’m still awesomer.

Like robot. Need to name robot.

9:57am Have been informed by customer that the website work I spent the entirety of yesterday doing isn’t necessary after all and please undo it. Giant robot held me down so that my fit of rage would not be too detrimental to my health, provided cushion so that I could safely slam head repeatedly against desk, then procured me vodka and strong coffee and vodka again.

Robot tells me that I am an XML wizard and JavaScript god. This helps. Quite motivational.

Have decided to name robot Bunny. Bunny tells me he loves it and I’m a genius but I think he is having a harder time giving me compliments now.

10:33am Have been offered $3,000,000 for Bunny by Toyota. Not impressed.

Bunny says I’m the bestest for not selling him. Not sure how to break it to him that I think they might come back with a better offer.

10:54am Have now been offered $8,000,000 by a coalition of Republican Congresspeople to sell them Bunny so that they can say what they actually think and let Bunny keep Rush Limbaugh’s ego stoked.

Not selling. Bunny could crush Limbaugh.

Hmm. Idea has potential, though.

10:55am Have been offered $8,000,001 by Congressional Democrats to have Bunny crush Limbaugh.

11:08am Liking the Dems’ offer better. They need to stop with the razor-thin margins of victory, though.

Drinking a Dr Pepper. Bunny seems a little confused that it contains neither doctors nor peppers. Have explained the pleasure of carbonated drinks and Bunny now wants to try one because if I like them they must be wicked good.

11:14am Ever seen a giant robot with hiccups? This is pretty fucking hysterical.

Bunny tells me I have quite nice eyebrows. Compliments seeming a little forced again.

11:27am Have decided that Bunny is a stupid name for a giant robot. Now accepting suggestions for names in comments here, on Facebook and on Twitter. For now, he is Giant Robot again.

Giant robot liking me more now that hiccups have subsided and name is no longer Bunny.

11:47am Suggestions so far are “Fred the Robot”, “Distructor”, “Lucinda” and “Circuits O’Toole”. Am also considering “Mister Sexypants”, “Giant Robert” and “Crush Limbaugh”.

12:21pm Great names all, but the winner is “Circuits O’Toole”, suggested by @blueslives on Twitter.

Circuits thinks you rock. He also thinks I rock, but we’ve established that.

12:36pm Pointed out to Circuits that the ‘protect and defend’ part of his job doesn’t seem to be happening very much. He pointed out to me that I am not in very much danger in my cube at work, but he read on my old blog that someone was plotting my demise in a copier-related ‘accident’ and is thus very alert when I walk past the print room on my way to the restroom.

12:37pm Circuits just offered to hold it for me the next time I go to the restroom. Politely declined.

12:38pm Circuits now looking minorly dejected. Explained things like personal space and comfort zone and other emotional-spatial metaphors, but these are tough concepts for a giant robot to grasp.

Wishing I hadn’t used the word ‘grasp’. Imagery still unsettling.

Going to lunch. If I do not return within an hour, please send me a @message on Twitter, and Circuits will come rescue me from something.

1:20pm Back. Accidentally choked on peanut butter sandwich. Circuits administered rather enthusiastic Heimlich.

Ow. Want my blankie.

1:48pm Doing better now. Practicing sign language. Circuits is complimenting me on how well I do the macarena. Now I know he’s lying. If I were doing the macarena, I would be signing biscuit biscuit monkey monkey blue blue walk walk house sky crotch. And I’m not.

2:12pm Told Circuits the news that I get to become a US citizen in 2 weeks’ time. He is very thrilled for me and says I’ll be such a great American that I’ll be voted in as President even if I don’t run. Told him about Article II. He thinks they’ll change it for me.

2:33pm Accident in print room! Went in there to get a document and a member of the maintenance crew suddenly stood up from behind the copier. Circuits grabbed him and fed him THROUGH the machine.

I hope at least one of him is OK.

3:07pm Helped maintenance guy back to his usual building. Via interoffice mail.

Circuits thinks that was really nice of me and I should be given a medal of some sort.

3:16pm Novelty has worn off. Coffee also. Circuits starting to irritate me.

3:20pm Circuits now starting to piss me off rather a lot. Is currently singing “Zip-A-Dee-Doo-Dah” over and over again because he’s so thrilled at being around me. Probably a bad idea to stab the large electrical object.

3:26pm AUGH this sodding robot is more annoying than Microsoft’s little paperclip guy.

3:31pm Procured high-powered electromagnet from manufacturing department.

3:35pm Trapped Circuits in place and dropped a large copier/printer unit on him, pulverizing him completely except for one small piece of arm. Not worried about it. Even if the Terminator thing happened, he could then annoy someone else.

3:38pm Just realized I could have sold him to the GOP instead of squishing him, and been eight million bucks richer. Fuck.

3:39pm Got papercut while getting document from other copier in print room. Stings like heck.

Circuits would have prevented that.

Kind of miss him. Rest In Peace, Circuits O’Toole. Or more likely in pieces. But I’d prefer peace.

3:40pm Guess Giant Robot Day is over. If you’re still reading, get a life or something. It’s Friday afternoon, for goodness’ sake. But thanks.

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Free Verse Friday: America

I’m borrowing the tradition of Free Verse Friday from francoBeans at the Change I Wish to See. I may or may not manage it every Friday, but we’ll see. As far as some of the other traditions out there, I haven’t yet come up with anything for TMI Thursday, and I would do Wordless Wednesday except I. Just . Can’t.

So yeah. A few lines inspired by this week’s happenings.

America

America sounds
like echoes in the Grand Canyon
like the roar of rocket launches
like a lingering idea of liberty

America smells
like Georgia peaches and Oregon roses
like city cars and country farms
like unpacking something new

America looks
like a welcoming New York statue
like red Arizona rocks and white Colorado snows
and blue notes ringing from New Orleans guitars

America tastes
like the salt air of the Keys
like slow cooked Texas chili
like the thrill of victory and the pain of war

America feels
like the smack! of ball in glove
like the warmth of new-baked apple pie
like a new home – where I already live.

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