I’m following some unusual advice today, from the good folks at On Your Feet:
“Go through your entire day visualizing that you have a personal giant robot that protects you, defends you and gives you outrageous compliments.”
It sounded like fun. And I’m going to liveblog it so you can see all the action as it happens.
| 7:00am Alarm clock went off. Reached out to silence it and came terrifyingly close to pressing wrong button. Was saved by giant robot who quickly grabbed alarm clock and threw it out of window at such velocity that it left Earth’s atmosphere and took out Chinese spy satellite. May get DOD commendation. How’s that for Chinese takeout?
Robot says I am really good at sleeping and snore in a delightful basso profundo. |
Illustration copyright ©2006 Gary Hirsch
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7:36am Getting curious about robot’s programming. Intentionally turned water in shower as hot as possible to watch robot decide between letting water scald me or risking electrocuting me by getting in way. Robot instead saved me with strategic deployment of shower curtain.
Robot says I have the deviousness to be one of the best evil masterminds in a generation and by the way my dick is enormous.
Am beginning to be quite fond of robot.
8:34am Commuting. Robot is allowing me to focus on my driving by taking over the duty of flipping off the other drivers.
Robot is also equipped with a satellite Internet connection which allows it to take dictation from me and update this liveblog accordingly.
9:16am Am now at work. Colleagues are cowering in fear of giant robot. Also having to dodge pieces of dislodged ceiling.
Have instructed robot to soothe colleagues’ nerves by giving them a few compliments as well. Team have been duly informed that they are awesome.
Robot whispering to me that I’m still awesomer.
Like robot. Need to name robot.
9:57am Have been informed by customer that the website work I spent the entirety of yesterday doing isn’t necessary after all and please undo it. Giant robot held me down so that my fit of rage would not be too detrimental to my health, provided cushion so that I could safely slam head repeatedly against desk, then procured me vodka and strong coffee and vodka again.
Robot tells me that I am an XML wizard and JavaScript god. This helps. Quite motivational.
Have decided to name robot Bunny. Bunny tells me he loves it and I’m a genius but I think he is having a harder time giving me compliments now.
10:33am Have been offered $3,000,000 for Bunny by Toyota. Not impressed.
Bunny says I’m the bestest for not selling him. Not sure how to break it to him that I think they might come back with a better offer.
10:54am Have now been offered $8,000,000 by a coalition of Republican Congresspeople to sell them Bunny so that they can say what they actually think and let Bunny keep Rush Limbaugh’s ego stoked.
Not selling. Bunny could crush Limbaugh.
Hmm. Idea has potential, though.
10:55am Have been offered $8,000,001 by Congressional Democrats to have Bunny crush Limbaugh.
11:08am Liking the Dems’ offer better. They need to stop with the razor-thin margins of victory, though.
Drinking a Dr Pepper. Bunny seems a little confused that it contains neither doctors nor peppers. Have explained the pleasure of carbonated drinks and Bunny now wants to try one because if I like them they must be wicked good.
11:14am Ever seen a giant robot with hiccups? This is pretty fucking hysterical.
Bunny tells me I have quite nice eyebrows. Compliments seeming a little forced again.
11:27am Have decided that Bunny is a stupid name for a giant robot. Now accepting suggestions for names in comments here, on Facebook and on Twitter. For now, he is Giant Robot again.
Giant robot liking me more now that hiccups have subsided and name is no longer Bunny.
11:47am Suggestions so far are “Fred the Robot”, “Distructor”, “Lucinda” and “Circuits O’Toole”. Am also considering “Mister Sexypants”, “Giant Robert” and “Crush Limbaugh”.
12:21pm Great names all, but the winner is “Circuits O’Toole”, suggested by @blueslives on Twitter.
Circuits thinks you rock. He also thinks I rock, but we’ve established that.
12:36pm Pointed out to Circuits that the ‘protect and defend’ part of his job doesn’t seem to be happening very much. He pointed out to me that I am not in very much danger in my cube at work, but he read on my old blog that someone was plotting my demise in a copier-related ‘accident’ and is thus very alert when I walk past the print room on my way to the restroom.
12:37pm Circuits just offered to hold it for me the next time I go to the restroom. Politely declined.
12:38pm Circuits now looking minorly dejected. Explained things like personal space and comfort zone and other emotional-spatial metaphors, but these are tough concepts for a giant robot to grasp.
Wishing I hadn’t used the word ‘grasp’. Imagery still unsettling.
Going to lunch. If I do not return within an hour, please send me a @message on Twitter, and Circuits will come rescue me from something.
1:20pm Back. Accidentally choked on peanut butter sandwich. Circuits administered rather enthusiastic Heimlich.
Ow. Want my blankie.
1:48pm Doing better now. Practicing sign language. Circuits is complimenting me on how well I do the macarena. Now I know he’s lying. If I were doing the macarena, I would be signing biscuit biscuit monkey monkey blue blue walk walk house sky crotch. And I’m not.
2:12pm Told Circuits the news that I get to become a US citizen in 2 weeks’ time. He is very thrilled for me and says I’ll be such a great American that I’ll be voted in as President even if I don’t run. Told him about Article II. He thinks they’ll change it for me.
2:33pm Accident in print room! Went in there to get a document and a member of the maintenance crew suddenly stood up from behind the copier. Circuits grabbed him and fed him THROUGH the machine.
I hope at least one of him is OK.
3:07pm Helped maintenance guy back to his usual building. Via interoffice mail.
Circuits thinks that was really nice of me and I should be given a medal of some sort.
3:16pm Novelty has worn off. Coffee also. Circuits starting to irritate me.
3:20pm Circuits now starting to piss me off rather a lot. Is currently singing “Zip-A-Dee-Doo-Dah” over and over again because he’s so thrilled at being around me. Probably a bad idea to stab the large electrical object.
3:26pm AUGH this sodding robot is more annoying than Microsoft’s little paperclip guy.
3:31pm Procured high-powered electromagnet from manufacturing department.
3:35pm Trapped Circuits in place and dropped a large copier/printer unit on him, pulverizing him completely except for one small piece of arm. Not worried about it. Even if the Terminator thing happened, he could then annoy someone else.
3:38pm Just realized I could have sold him to the GOP instead of squishing him, and been eight million bucks richer. Fuck.
3:39pm Got papercut while getting document from other copier in print room. Stings like heck.
Circuits would have prevented that.
Kind of miss him. Rest In Peace, Circuits O’Toole. Or more likely in pieces. But I’d prefer peace.
3:40pm Guess Giant Robot Day is over. If you’re still reading, get a life or something. It’s Friday afternoon, for goodness’ sake. But thanks.
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