Libby Sentence Commuted

WASHINGTON – In a controversial but not entirely unexpected decision, President Bush decided today that his good buddy and former vice-presidential chief of staff I. Lewis “Scooter” Libby didn’t need to serve jail time after all. ***

Sources close to the Bush camp say that the president was “extremely concerned” at the idea of Mr. Libby serving time, due to the extreme measures likely to be inflicted upon him by other inmates at the federal penitentiary.

“After all,” said one source, who wished to remain anonymous since this is a fictitious statement, “nobody could survive thirty months in a federal pen with the nickname ‘Scooter’.”

In related news, an inmate in a Texas jail who was facing a death sentence has been given a stay of execution by the Supreme Court after being judged mentally incompetent to understand his punishment. Having subpoenaed the late president John F. Kennedy and the well-known spiritual leader Jesus Christ as witnesses to his appeal, the defendant was allowed to live. ***

President Bush praised the decision and welcomed the legal precedent, calling it a victory for mentally retarded Texan criminals everywhere.

*** These bits are actually true.