Politics and Wheaties

I’m going to talk about politics a little bit here. Any and all Secret Service agents reading this can feel free to desist; I’m only planning to poke fun at the politicians. I sure as heck wouldn’t poke ’em with anything else.

Most of my political writings tend to be barely-coherent diatribes directed at the Republican party, but that’s not entirely fair. While my thinking tends to be mostly leftist, there are plenty of good targets on both sides. Or there may not be. Ask John Kerry, he’ll tell you. And then he’ll tell you again, and you’ll get confused.

So what does America need? Socialized medicine, gay marriage, clean energy, a commitment to peace? Not necessarily. That’s not where I want to go with this. Besides, I sometimes think the Republican Party is just trying to be helpful. Perhaps they’re just fucking the gay community up the ass to save them some effort.

The so-called “red states”, though, are not bad places, there aren’t bad people there. Something that I’ve heard a few times about the much-maligned South, though, is that people are nice to each other there sometimes. This is far less likely in, say, New York City:

“Hey mister, how do you get to Carnegie Hall?”

“Fuck you.”

“Ah. I’ll try that, thanks….”

I am told that similar things happen in Philadelphia. That’s some brotherly love right there. I have no doubt that DC is the same way, except that there you at least stand a chance of getting “Fuck you, sir.”

I think the government needs a good dose of happy. Almost every politician you ever see on TV looks like such a miserable bastard. Especially Dick Cheney. He perpetually looks as though somebody shat in his Wheaties.

And then there’s John Edwards. I think he got the entire city’s supply of happy pills. Though he never quite looks like he’s smiling at what’s going on around him. It’s like he doesn’t really look at you, he just points his eyes at you while he notices something about himself. Like, “Dude! There’s stuff in my lower intestine. Neat-o!”

Maybe he shat in Cheney’s Wheaties.

I’m joking, of course. If a trial lawyer, even a former trial lawyer, comes anywhere near Cheney, those Wheaties get taken off the table faster than you can say “secure location”.

Speaking of secure locations, I bet tourist flights to North Korea are getting cheap.