Archive for March, 2012

Local authorities announced today that Goldie Lawks, 17, has been found guilty on one count each of breaking and entering and property damage. The charges stemmed from Ms. Lawks’ unlawful entry to the Baer residence on ┬áthe morning of February 19th, during which Ms. Lawks reportedly damaged at least one piece of the victims’ furniture.

Republican Party officials have pointed to the case as a damning indictment of President Obama’s policies, suggesting that the President is ‘soft on crime’. Newt Gingrich in particular was vocal, promising to make lowering crime rates the centerpiece of his campaign. When it was pointed out to Mr. Gingrich that his campaign has no centerpieces, only far-rightpieces, and that he really just needs to shut up and go away, he vowed to stay in the race “all the way to Tampa” just to prove his limitless ability to get on people’s nerves.

A third charge of petty larceny did not succeed; the Baers also accused Ms. Lawks of stealing food during her visit, but forensic evidence was deemed inconclusive.

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