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Posts Tagged ‘humor’

After a few weeks in a mystical den somewhere in deepest darkest west central Pennsylvania, a groundhog is imbued with certain magical talents which enable it to see future weather patterns.
 
Unfortunately, the effect of the sun’s juxtaposition with Pennsylvania interferes with the enchantment, since as we all know, any remotely decent enchantments are most powerful under cover of night. By casting his own shadow, the groundhog can recapture enough of the magic to predict a long winter, but when the spring is set to come early, the enchantment fades, and he doesn’t have to cast a shadow. Which is helpful, since as a general rule, groundhogs don’t like throwing shade any more than humans do, and if the winter is ending soon, the groundhog can switch to his regular job as a woodchuck, and get back to chucking wood at a generally unknown rate and quantity.
 
Technically, the enchantment could work on any mammal of the family Sciuridae, but squirrels and chipmunks simply don’t have the memory span to remember the spells, and thus it falls to marmot-kind to undertake this noble responsibility.
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So L was watching VeggieTales this afternoon, and it made a little ditty go through my head…

“We are the Congress who don’t do anything
We took your government and shut it down…
And if you ask us to do anything, we’ll just tell you…. We don’t do anything…”

So who wants to do a verse of this in the comments? I’ll start.

JOHN BOEHNER:
Well, I’ve never lived on food stamps and I can afford insurance
And I don’t know why we have to turn the clocks back in the fall
And I’ve never served in combat and I don’t have a vagina
But I sure know how to legislate it all….

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100% Saturday?

Giving this its own post rather than letting it languish in a Facebook comment thread, a Seussish response to ‘is tomorrow 100% Saturday?’:

It’s hard to be totally sure of the day,
When time zones are stretching out every which way.
When you fly westward, whose hours do you borrow?
And when you fly east, do you get there tomorrow?

Sometimes it’s safer to go south or north
If you do need to gallivant backwards and forth
But everyone’s place has its own kind of time
(Which makes this an awfully challenging rhyme.)

It’s nine in the morning in Honolulu,
But ten hours later around Timbuktu,
At least that’s what I think – it might be eleven,
Or possibly eight and three quarters point seven.

But wherever you are and whoever you be
In Ottawa, Canberra or Tripoli,
It only can ever be one day at once
Midnight can’t change in these temporal stunts.

In another three hours and one little bit,
Friday gets up so Saturday can sit,
In Eastern Time, anyway, others may vary,
But Saturday’s Saturday, never contrary.

That hundred percentness is perfectly right
For one entire day and two parts of a night….

(But if you have lingered to read all these ravings,
Don’t get me started about Daylight Savings!)

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So the GOP are trying to tie the Clintons to the Anthony Wiener scandal in an effort to damage Hillary’s presumed presidential campaign. She could put a stop to this with one good sound bite.

“I’ve already got one uncontrollable wiener in my life, I don’t need another one.”

Ten seconds, and it would get more free airplay than anything the Republicans have tried so far.

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Anyone else think that maybe, just maybe, a scene like this might have played out across some secure phone lines recently?

OBAMA: Dave. We need to save face over this Snowden thing, especially considering all your GCHQ crap.

CAMERON: He’s in Hong Kong, right? We still have some pull there, I can get him out.

OBAMA: Well, see, I don’t want to deal with him, I want that info out there but can’t afford to look weak.

CAMERON: Easy. I’ll talk to my guy in Hong Kong, you get in their faces demanding extradition.

(next day)

HONG KONG (with a world class poker face): I’m sorry America, your extradition request does not meet our legal requirements. Oh rats, who’s that sneaking onto that plane with “Aeroflot” on the side?

(next day)

OBAMA: Vlad. Do me a solid here. Find some reason you can’t send Snowden to me, and have Lavrov tell it to the press.

PUTIN: Because I want to keep him and all the wonderful things he knows?

OBAMA: Another reason.

PUTIN: If he doesn’t leave the tiny patch of airport between the gate and the immigration desk he’s not technically in Russia?

OBAMA: That works.

PUTIN: Also because we have no extradition treaty with you.

OBAMA: Yeah, one of these days we might wanna fix that.

PUTIN: I like your Snowden. He makes me look good to my people, and lets you speak strongly but not do anything you’d regret. Clever boy.

(next day)

OBAMA: Dave, me again. Make the usual arrangements?

CAMERON: Ecuador again?

(next day)

CORREA: ¡Mierda! they want me to take another one?

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A lot of people, myself included, have noted the resemblance between Florida governor Rick Scott and Lord Voldemort.

I, for one, would like to issue an apology for that.

It has to be very hard to be surrounded by snakes, crazy old people and buildings which don’t stay where you put them, without also being compared to that demented arch-villain.

I’m sorry, Voldie.

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Local authorities announced today that Goldie Lawks, 17, has been found guilty on one count each of breaking and entering and property damage. The charges stemmed from Ms. Lawks’ unlawful entry to the Baer residence on  the morning of February 19th, during which Ms. Lawks reportedly damaged at least one piece of the victims’ furniture.

Republican Party officials have pointed to the case as a damning indictment of President Obama’s policies, suggesting that the President is ‘soft on crime’. Newt Gingrich in particular was vocal, promising to make lowering crime rates the centerpiece of his campaign. When it was pointed out to Mr. Gingrich that his campaign has no centerpieces, only far-rightpieces, and that he really just needs to shut up and go away, he vowed to stay in the race “all the way to Tampa” just to prove his limitless ability to get on people’s nerves.

A third charge of petty larceny did not succeed; the Baers also accused Ms. Lawks of stealing food during her visit, but forensic evidence was deemed inconclusive.

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