Posts Tagged ‘humor’

After a few weeks in a mystical den somewhere in deepest darkest west central Pennsylvania, a groundhog is imbued with certain magical talents which enable it to see future weather patterns.
Unfortunately, the effect of the sun’s juxtaposition with Pennsylvania interferes with the enchantment, since as we all know, any remotely decent enchantments are most powerful under cover of night. By casting his own shadow, the groundhog can recapture enough of the magic to predict a long winter, but when the spring is set to come early, the enchantment fades, and he doesn’t have to cast a shadow. Which is helpful, since as a general rule, groundhogs don’t like throwing shade any more than humans do, and if the winter is ending soon, the groundhog can switch to his regular job as a woodchuck, and get back to chucking wood at a generally unknown rate and quantity.
Technically, the enchantment could work on any mammal of the family Sciuridae, but squirrels and chipmunks simply don’t have the memory span to remember the spells, and thus it falls to marmot-kind to undertake this noble responsibility.

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So L was watching VeggieTales this afternoon, and it made a little ditty go through my head…

“We are the Congress who don’t do anything
We took your government and shut it down…
And if you ask us to do anything, we’ll just tell you…. We don’t do anything…”

So who wants to do a verse of this in the comments? I’ll start.

Well, I’ve never lived on food stamps and I can afford insurance
And I don’t know why we have to turn the clocks back in the fall
And I’ve never served in combat and I don’t have a vagina
But I sure know how to legislate it all….

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100% Saturday?

Giving this its own post rather than letting it languish in a Facebook comment thread, a Seussish response to ‘is tomorrow 100% Saturday?’:

It’s hard to be totally sure of the day,
When time zones are stretching out every which way.
When you fly westward, whose hours do you borrow?
And when you fly east, do you get there tomorrow?

Sometimes it’s safer to go south or north
If you do need to gallivant backwards and forth
But everyone’s place has its own kind of time
(Which makes this an awfully challenging rhyme.)

It’s nine in the morning in Honolulu,
But ten hours later around Timbuktu,
At least that’s what I think – it might be eleven,
Or possibly eight and three quarters point seven.

But wherever you are and whoever you be
In Ottawa, Canberra or Tripoli,
It only can ever be one day at once
Midnight can’t change in these temporal stunts.

In another three hours and one little bit,
Friday gets up so Saturday can sit,
In Eastern Time, anyway, others may vary,
But Saturday’s Saturday, never contrary.

That hundred percentness is perfectly right
For one entire day and two parts of a night….

(But if you have lingered to read all these ravings,
Don’t get me started about Daylight Savings!)

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So the GOP are trying to tie the Clintons to the Anthony Wiener scandal in an effort to damage Hillary’s presumed presidential campaign. She could put a stop to this with one good sound bite.

“I’ve already got one uncontrollable wiener in my life, I don’t need another one.”

Ten seconds, and it would get more free airplay than anything the Republicans have tried so far.

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Anyone else think that maybe, just maybe, a scene like this might have played out across some secure phone lines recently?

OBAMA: Dave. We need to save face over this Snowden thing, especially considering all your GCHQ crap.

CAMERON: He’s in Hong Kong, right? We still have some pull there, I can get him out.

OBAMA: Well, see, I don’t want to deal with him, I want that info out there but can’t afford to look weak.

CAMERON: Easy. I’ll talk to my guy in Hong Kong, you get in their faces demanding extradition.

(next day)

HONG KONG (with a world class poker face): I’m sorry America, your extradition request does not meet our legal requirements. Oh rats, who’s that sneaking onto that plane with “Aeroflot” on the side?

(next day)

OBAMA: Vlad. Do me a solid here. Find some reason you can’t send Snowden to me, and have Lavrov tell it to the press.

PUTIN: Because I want to keep him and all the wonderful things he knows?

OBAMA: Another reason.

PUTIN: If he doesn’t leave the tiny patch of airport between the gate and the immigration desk he’s not technically in Russia?

OBAMA: That works.

PUTIN: Also because we have no extradition treaty with you.

OBAMA: Yeah, one of these days we might wanna fix that.

PUTIN: I like your Snowden. He makes me look good to my people, and lets you speak strongly but not do anything you’d regret. Clever boy.

(next day)

OBAMA: Dave, me again. Make the usual arrangements?

CAMERON: Ecuador again?

(next day)

CORREA: ¡Mierda! they want me to take another one?

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A lot of people, myself included, have noted the resemblance between Florida governor Rick Scott and Lord Voldemort.

I, for one, would like to issue an apology for that.

It has to be very hard to be surrounded by snakes, crazy old people and buildings which don’t stay where you put them, without also being compared to that demented arch-villain.

I’m sorry, Voldie.

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Local authorities announced today that Goldie Lawks, 17, has been found guilty on one count each of breaking and entering and property damage. The charges stemmed from Ms. Lawks’ unlawful entry to the Baer residence on  the morning of February 19th, during which Ms. Lawks reportedly damaged at least one piece of the victims’ furniture.

Republican Party officials have pointed to the case as a damning indictment of President Obama’s policies, suggesting that the President is ‘soft on crime’. Newt Gingrich in particular was vocal, promising to make lowering crime rates the centerpiece of his campaign. When it was pointed out to Mr. Gingrich that his campaign has no centerpieces, only far-rightpieces, and that he really just needs to shut up and go away, he vowed to stay in the race “all the way to Tampa” just to prove his limitless ability to get on people’s nerves.

A third charge of petty larceny did not succeed; the Baers also accused Ms. Lawks of stealing food during her visit, but forensic evidence was deemed inconclusive.

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Earlier this week I got involved in Facebook discourse regarding suitable materiel for the George W. Bush Presidential Library. Upon reading the assertion that Dr. Seuss might be a little highbrow, I found myself in disagreement. Seuss would be fine as long as there were ready adaptations more pertinent to the political realities faced by the outgoing administration.

In evidence, I offered the following:

I do not like him, Rahm-I-Am,
I do not like that Kenyan man.
I do not like his Yes We Can,
I do not like him on Iran, 

I do not, will not, change or hope.
I will not read him “My Pet Goat”
I do not like his big blue map
I also think his VP’s crap.

I think he’s wrong on education
And his misunderestimation
Of my entire eight-year span,
I do not like him, Rahm-I-Am!

I do not like his stimulus,
He’s weak on defense, what a wuss!
He won’t sign a gay marriage ban.
I do not like that Kenyan man.

They say his middle name’s Hussein –
I’d rather go with John McCain
Or maybe Sarah, she’s a cutie
I really like her… sense of duty.

I’ll always back the GOP
No matter what they do to me
I am a staunch Republican,
I do not like him, Rahm-I-Am!

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I’m following some unusual advice today, from the good folks at On Your Feet:

“Go through your entire day visualizing that you have a personal giant robot that protects you, defends you and gives you outrageous compliments.”

It sounded like fun. And I’m going to liveblog it so you can see all the action as it happens.

7:00am Alarm clock went off. Reached out to silence it and came terrifyingly close to pressing wrong button. Was saved by giant robot who quickly grabbed alarm clock and threw it out of window at such velocity that it left Earth’s atmosphere and took out Chinese spy satellite. May get DOD commendation. How’s that for Chinese takeout?                     

Robot says I am really good at sleeping and snore in a delightful basso profundo


Illustration copyright ©2006 Gary Hirsch

7:36am Getting curious about robot’s programming. Intentionally turned water in shower as hot as possible to watch robot decide between letting water scald me or risking electrocuting me by getting in way. Robot instead saved me with strategic deployment of shower curtain.

Robot says I have the deviousness to be one of the best evil masterminds in a generation and by the way my dick is enormous.

Am beginning to be quite fond of robot.

8:34am Commuting. Robot is allowing me to focus on my driving by taking over the duty of flipping off the other drivers.

Robot is also equipped with a satellite Internet connection which allows it to take dictation from me and update this liveblog accordingly.

9:16am Am now at work. Colleagues are cowering in fear of giant robot. Also having to dodge pieces of dislodged ceiling.

Have instructed robot to soothe colleagues’ nerves by giving them a few compliments as well. Team have been duly informed that they are awesome.

Robot whispering to me that I’m still awesomer.

Like robot. Need to name robot.

9:57am Have been informed by customer that the website work I spent the entirety of yesterday doing isn’t necessary after all and please undo it. Giant robot held me down so that my fit of rage would not be too detrimental to my health, provided cushion so that I could safely slam head repeatedly against desk, then procured me vodka and strong coffee and vodka again.

Robot tells me that I am an XML wizard and JavaScript god. This helps. Quite motivational.

Have decided to name robot Bunny. Bunny tells me he loves it and I’m a genius but I think he is having a harder time giving me compliments now.

10:33am Have been offered $3,000,000 for Bunny by Toyota. Not impressed.

Bunny says I’m the bestest for not selling him. Not sure how to break it to him that I think they might come back with a better offer.

10:54am Have now been offered $8,000,000 by a coalition of Republican Congresspeople to sell them Bunny so that they can say what they actually think and let Bunny keep Rush Limbaugh’s ego stoked.

Not selling. Bunny could crush Limbaugh.

Hmm. Idea has potential, though.

10:55am Have been offered $8,000,001 by Congressional Democrats to have Bunny crush Limbaugh.

11:08am Liking the Dems’ offer better. They need to stop with the razor-thin margins of victory, though.

Drinking a Dr Pepper. Bunny seems a little confused that it contains neither doctors nor peppers. Have explained the pleasure of carbonated drinks and Bunny now wants to try one because if I like them they must be wicked good.

11:14am Ever seen a giant robot with hiccups? This is pretty fucking hysterical.

Bunny tells me I have quite nice eyebrows. Compliments seeming a little forced again.

11:27am Have decided that Bunny is a stupid name for a giant robot. Now accepting suggestions for names in comments here, on Facebook and on Twitter. For now, he is Giant Robot again.

Giant robot liking me more now that hiccups have subsided and name is no longer Bunny.

11:47am Suggestions so far are “Fred the Robot”, “Distructor”, “Lucinda” and “Circuits O’Toole”. Am also considering “Mister Sexypants”, “Giant Robert” and “Crush Limbaugh”.

12:21pm Great names all, but the winner is “Circuits O’Toole”, suggested by @blueslives on Twitter.

Circuits thinks you rock. He also thinks I rock, but we’ve established that.

12:36pm Pointed out to Circuits that the ‘protect and defend’ part of his job doesn’t seem to be happening very much. He pointed out to me that I am not in very much danger in my cube at work, but he read on my old blog that someone was plotting my demise in a copier-related ‘accident’ and is thus very alert when I walk past the print room on my way to the restroom.

12:37pm Circuits just offered to hold it for me the next time I go to the restroom. Politely declined.

12:38pm Circuits now looking minorly dejected. Explained things like personal space and comfort zone and other emotional-spatial metaphors, but these are tough concepts for a giant robot to grasp.

Wishing I hadn’t used the word ‘grasp’. Imagery still unsettling.

Going to lunch. If I do not return within an hour, please send me a @message on Twitter, and Circuits will come rescue me from something.

1:20pm Back. Accidentally choked on peanut butter sandwich. Circuits administered rather enthusiastic Heimlich.

Ow. Want my blankie.

1:48pm Doing better now. Practicing sign language. Circuits is complimenting me on how well I do the macarena. Now I know he’s lying. If I were doing the macarena, I would be signing biscuit biscuit monkey monkey blue blue walk walk house sky crotch. And I’m not.

2:12pm Told Circuits the news that I get to become a US citizen in 2 weeks’ time. He is very thrilled for me and says I’ll be such a great American that I’ll be voted in as President even if I don’t run. Told him about Article II. He thinks they’ll change it for me.

2:33pm Accident in print room! Went in there to get a document and a member of the maintenance crew suddenly stood up from behind the copier. Circuits grabbed him and fed him THROUGH the machine.

I hope at least one of him is OK.

3:07pm Helped maintenance guy back to his usual building. Via interoffice mail.

Circuits thinks that was really nice of me and I should be given a medal of some sort.

3:16pm Novelty has worn off. Coffee also. Circuits starting to irritate me.

3:20pm Circuits now starting to piss me off rather a lot. Is currently singing “Zip-A-Dee-Doo-Dah” over and over again because he’s so thrilled at being around me. Probably a bad idea to stab the large electrical object.

3:26pm AUGH this sodding robot is more annoying than Microsoft’s little paperclip guy.

3:31pm Procured high-powered electromagnet from manufacturing department.

3:35pm Trapped Circuits in place and dropped a large copier/printer unit on him, pulverizing him completely except for one small piece of arm. Not worried about it. Even if the Terminator thing happened, he could then annoy someone else.

3:38pm Just realized I could have sold him to the GOP instead of squishing him, and been eight million bucks richer. Fuck.

3:39pm Got papercut while getting document from other copier in print room. Stings like heck.

Circuits would have prevented that.

Kind of miss him. Rest In Peace, Circuits O’Toole. Or more likely in pieces. But I’d prefer peace.

3:40pm Guess Giant Robot Day is over. If you’re still reading, get a life or something. It’s Friday afternoon, for goodness’ sake. But thanks.

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As the sun sets on one of the most amusing double-entendre-fests ever to grace cable news, we should perhaps ask one question: was it worth it?

Did the teabagging work?

I think we have definitely seen a stiffening of the Republican Party’s resolve. There was some question over whether they could keep it up, but they took a potentially hairy issue and found an innovative way to come to grips with it.

I think ultimately the teabagging phenomenon is a symptom of a deeper malaise affecting the party as a whole. Michael Steele in particular needs to be a lot more rigid. Some days it seems he wants to have it both ways, other days it’s like he doesn’t want it at all. Mind you, to be fair, he has to contend for the head job with Rush Limbaugh, and you just know Limbaugh has to be a bear to be up against.

OK, done now. For real.

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